Blinded by my desire

It’s hard to believe we are going on five years of marriage, it feels like it’s been a life time. If I could go back in time and tell  my 19 year old self to not marry you I would do it in a heart beat. Here lately I’ve been wondering what my life would be like if I would of just walked away from you. I should of known better when you said “either we get married or it’s over” was the sign to run away from you. Instead, I went against the voice that kept telling me to run a million miles away. I had convinced myself that I didn’t want to lose you and you were the one for me. However, that was probably the biggest lie I have ever told myself.

I remember how angry you were with me when I told you I was pregnant and I was keeping the baby. You screamed for what felt like a century about how I trapped you and ruined your life. You went on about how you weren’t ready for a child and wanted me to have an abortion. I haven’t forgotten the millions of times that you told me you never wanted our daughter. Our marriage was never built around love or the desire to spend the rest of our life together. It was built around the fact you wanted to marry the person you had a child with and my refusal of having an abortion.

Three weeks after I gave birth to our daughter you asked me if it would be okay if you slept with other people because you had “needs” and I wasn’t taking care of them. It made me question every aspect of our relationship and it was the beginning of me realizing I made a very bad life choice. The very next day your childhood friend came into town to visit some family and stopped by to meet our daughter. I remember him saying something along the lines that he had a date and needed someone for her friend. Then he proceeded to laugh and say it was too bad that you were married because now he couldn’t take you with. He ended up inviting all of us over to his mom’s house for dinner but you convinced me to stay home because you hadn’t seen him in almost two years. Before you left you said you would only be a couple hours but you didn’t come home till after 2 am that night. To this day I still question if you cheated on me that night or not. That was the night that I started to wonder if I could trust you or not.

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